The “Scotchguard® - er of Linen Napkins

I recently came across a folder with some of my essays I was saving for this blog. Inside was this rant. As I read it, i thought - Wow, talk about sweating the small stuff! Nevertheless, I felt that somewhere out there is someone who shares the same feeling, and, well, whoever you are - I just don't want you to feel alone...

Linen Napkins
Now, here's is a guy who must always work under the table. Because if anyone ever found out about him. they would string him up by his balls. He is the “Scotchguard® - er of linen napkins for the restaurant industry. You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about those linen napkins they give you at the nice resataurants. - you know - those napkins they roll the she silverware in. You unroll the napkin, set the silverware back on the table and place the linen napkin on your lap.
Halfway through the meal, you get some Worcestershire sauce on your chin and the only thing you have with which to wipe it off is the linen napkin on you lap. Or maybe you got baby back ribs. Again, no paper napkins. No wet naps like the fast food places give you. Just that linen napkin that your silverware came rolled up in. So you take it off your lap and wipe the sauce off your chin. Only it doesn’t absorb the sauce. What it does do is - It smears the fucking sauce all over your fucking face or runs right off onto your clothing! Which it’s supposed to be protecting in the first place. So what’s the point of having a g-d damn napkin if it does the opposite of what you intended to use it for? Fuck me!

Absolutely Radiant? - Well No, Not Really

Well, I'm finally in the home stretch. This first phase consists of 28 treatments of combined chemo and radiation therapy sessions.  After that, I will meet with my surgeon, Dr. Schaffzin to schedule the operation where he will remove the tumor. In the meantime the tumor will continue to shrink. After it's been shrunk to a manageable size, it will be removed - along with part of my rectum on either side of the cancerous section. Then part of my colon will be attached to replace the missing anal real estate.

L - R Kristine, Melanie and Carrie

Friday will be my last day of chemo and Monday, July 14th is my final radiation visit. I told you about the chemo in my last blog, so now, I think it's time I give a nod to the Radiation Department. Thanks to the great staff in Radiology at St. Mary's Medical Center, my treatments were nowhere near as uncomfortable and humiliating as they could have been. In fact, I actually look forward to exposing my full moon to the attractive radiologists on duty. Every one of them is good natured, has a great sense of humor and they're all extremely competent in their field. 

On the first day, they had me lie down on this surface that

Selfie with my Ray-Girlz

reminds me of a massage table. You put your face into a space with blue vinyl trim and there's also a vinyl trimmed crater where you're belly is supposed to fit. However, since I had lost so much weight, my gut doesn't touch the bottom of it, so their's really no support. This causes some discomfort, because now my spine is arched in an unnatural position. Eventually, I got used to it, and fortunately, I never experienced any severe side effects from the radiation, so lying in that position turned out to be the worst of it.

Last week someone brought in a therapy dog. Theoretically, these dogs are supposed to cheer people up and have a healing effect on the patients. Unfortunately, this one was just plain fugly. And the owner looked just like him, except he

Charlie - I think.

wore a beat up cowboy hat and worn-out clothes. Actually, the dog was very gentle, but I think he was a little bored from being petted and fawned over all morning by so many people.
I think his name was Charlie. Or maybe that was the owner's name. I forget… hmmm, maybe there are side effects. Nah, I think it's just my age.

Oh yeah, and there's always a basket full of snacks, and it's usually filled with junk food containing plenty of salt and sugar; stuff like Lorna Dunes, Fig Newtons and sandwich cookies. There's also a mini fridge stocked with bottled water and soda. Lots of  cola and Mountain Dew So while they're treating you for cancer, they can set you up bring you back a little later to treat you for diabetes. Hey, a hospital has to stay in business somehow, right?  

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Saying F U to Cancer

Going through cancer treatment is a multi-faceted journey and depending on which course one subscribes to, can consist of conventional medicine, alternative medicine, spiritualism, holisitic, Eastern, Native American or a combination of all known remedies. My approach is to start out using conventional medicine to get a jump on the tumor because at the moment, I need to take the time to research other resources. I am in the process of labsorbing a lot of wisdom right now from friends, books and documentaries I will share with you as much as I can as I go through this odyssey.

First up: The Chemo (or Saying FU to Cancer)

Rather than go to the hospital as an outpatient for daily chemo, which would require me to sit in a chair for hours each day while the medicine slowly drips through a tube into my bloodstream, I am fortunate enough to be able to have the drug Flourouracil (5-FU) administered through a pump (Geez, did I really use the words "chemo" and "fortunate" in the same sentence?). 

Typically, I would go in on a Monday, where they would attach a transparent line to a port in my chest and then have it disconnected on Friday, so I could be unencumbered for the weekend.  The pump looks like an eight track player and is in a case with a strap that goes around my neck which I must then carry around Monday through Friday wherever go. It's important to remember it's on, because accidentally pulling on the line can be rather painful. Also if the line gets pinched, an alarm goes off to let me know the medicine stopped flowing and I need to uncrimp it ASAP. So far, I haven't experienced any major problems, however, there have been a few times where I took it off and got a slightly painful tug when I attempted to walk away without it - ouch!

Anyway, they say a picture is worth a thousand words so here's a little video I made right before my trip back to St. Mary Medical Center to have the hose unattached for the weekend. I also demonstrate how to make the best if the situation by converting the contraption into a combination chemo dispenser and mp3 player. I call it "The iPump".

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Hal's Pain In The Butt Fund

I've been putting off posting this because I am not sure I have my mind wrapped around this yet, myself. So I'm just going to come right out with it, because there's no real way to sugar-coat it, anyway. The diagnosis was Rectal Cancer... Stage 3.  My initial thought going in was that it was some form of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I had been scouring the web for info on Ulcerative Colitis, Crohn's Disease and other related ills and ailments, but somehow, Cancer never crossed my mind. But after a CT Scan, colonoscopy and post rectal ultrasound, the results are conclusive.

Now, I have a fight ahead of me which entails radiation therapy, chemotherapy and eventual surgery. From what I've been told, fatigue and nausea will be coming along for the ride. Oh, yes, it's going to be a long, hot, summer of fun! But fear not… Hal Aaron Cohen is ready for battle!!

The only thing I was NOT ready for was the expense. I was told I may lose some of my ability to play the guitar once the treatment starts and it's likely I won't feel much like entertaining in the first place. Much of my income is derived from gigs during the Spring and Summer months and I have been forced to turn down a lot of opportunities - both musical and non-musical sources of income. 

This isn't the kind of thing I could ever see my self doing in a million years, but I have no savings, no assets and no options except to ask for a little help from my friends. It kills me to even do this but I didn't really know where else to turn.  So, I have set up a page where you can donate to help me pay expenses for medical and everyday living.   I set a goal of $8000. I'm hoping to raise at least enough to get me through the next few months until I can get back to work full time again. Thank you in advance for any help. Positive thoughts and prayers are equally welcome.

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There Oughta Be A Leash Law (Pet Peeve #4 )

Let me be clear. I'm not talking about a law designed to punish people for not having their dog on the leash. I already spent a night in jail for that one (Maybe I'll tell you that story in a future post - it's hilarious).  No, this is a rant aimed at the manufacturers of certain leashes that are just plain stupid. Okay, so let's get right to it…

Retractable Leashes. You know those spring-loaded retractable leashes with about 16 feet of lead?  They make them for different size dogs and they're capable of supporting different weight groups.  No matter what size dog you have, they make a leash that can restrain him or her - no problem. If you have a German Shephard, you might get one for pets up to 150 pounds. If you have a Chihuahua, you'd choose one for pets up to 20 pounds. Now besides being extremely dangerous, the manufacturers of these leashes are so dumb, they assume that if you own a small dog, you have a tiny hand, and if you own a large dog, you have larger hands. So let me illustrate this so you can see how idiotic this assumption is.

In the first picture, you can see the leash I use for my larger dog. It's very easy to grip with my entire hand and I can press the button down very quickly in an emergency, such as stopping him when he's about to dart into the street or go after a squirrel.  

But now let's look at the version they make for the smaller dog. Now, remember, I haven't shrunk; I'm just walking a smaller dog. But for some reason, these morons scaled down the entire leash. As you can see… I can only get two fingers through the grip. And the button for the stop mechanism is so small, it doesn't readily respond every time i attempt to push it. 

Well, DUH!!

But the true hazard lies in the thickness of the lead itself. As you can see, the larger leash has a lead that's about 1/2" thick, while the smaller one is the thickness of piano wire. This is the same thickness used to make a garrote , a weapon used by the mob to decapitate someone.  

And lest you think this is a joke, let me defer to a couple of other blogs where you will be enlightened about the physical dangers posed by these retractable leashes. 

The Dogington Post

http://dogingtonpost.com/the-dangers-of-retractable-leashes/

Sarah Wilson  dog expert

http://sarahwilsondogexpert.com/retractable-dog-leash-dangers/

It is my sincere hope, that uneven if you are experienced and  fully cognizant of the pitfalls that come with using retractable leashes, that you opt to replace yours ASAP with a standard leash no longer than 8' in length. If this helped to save just one dog's life or one human finger, my mission has been accomplished.

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Neshaminy Mall - Revisited

SIGN THE PETITION
One of my first jobs as a teenager was as a salesman at Kinney Shoes in Neshaminy Mall. Kinney's is long gone, like my hair, but Neshaminy Mall, one of the first malls in the country, is still there after several incarnations.

I too, have been through several incarnations over the years and after all this time, from Israel, to Boston, back to Philly to New Mexico to California, to Florida and back to Philly again, I have come full circle.

Recently, I took a part time job as a rep for Kitchen Saver®Kitchen Saver in Neshaminy Mall, the mall where I first started almost 40 years ago.  And here's where it gets interesting...

It's my job to stop you when you pass by and ask if you're interested in remodeling your kitchen cabinets and then set an appointment for a free estimate for a cabinet facelift. It's actually a very reputable company and I enjoy the work most of the time.  It's not difficult and, despite having to deal with a fair amount of rejection,  I get to meet a lot of nice people during the course of a shift.

One day during a break, I noticed seven beautifully crafted dioramas built into the wall outside of Macy's indoor mall entrance, each covered by a glass pane, and each depicting a scene from our country's illustrious history. The first window box shows an early settler shaking hands with an Indian from the Neshaminy tribe and a faded plaque on a pedastal in front of the window explains what is transpiring in the scene. The next one holds figurines of Ben Franklin at the age of 70 and his grandson, Temple, on their return from France; all of the characters impeccably dressed in colonial costumes in colorfully painted backgrounds.

As I was admiring the dioramas, a mom and her two young children approached to look at the dioramas. At some point, she turned to me and asked, "Do they still work?"
"What do you mean?" I countered, not having a clue what she was referring to.  The woman explained to me that years ago,  there was a button in front of each window that you could press which caused the window to light up, the characters would move and a narrator would explain what was happening in each scene.  She then pointed out that the old speakers were still there, and, sure enough, there are still speakers there; remnants from a time when the mall was young and enchanted.

She went on to explain that the dioramas were commissioned and donated by the Strawbridge family, and that what is currently Macy's Department Store was originally a Strawbridge and Clothier when the mall opened in 1967. Apparently, old man Strawbridge was were very into the history of the Bucks County and Philadelphia and somewhat of a philanthropist. The stores were noted for their great customer service and friendly employees.  This got me thinking.

Wouldn't it be cool if the current management of Neshaminy Mall, and/or Macy's and/or other tenants of the mall or members of the community got those window boxes working again.  It makes perfect sense - Recently, the Neshaminy Mall fountain and wishing well was completely refurbished.

It would be ever so fitting to get those dioramas working again and rededicate the mall once the work is complete. It could be a media event which I'm certain would infuse the area with a whole new energy and bring families back into Neshaminy and renew interest in the community at large! We Pennsylvanians are very aware of our contribution to the history of this country and our place among the thirteen original colonies. We're proud of our Quaker heritage and of William Penn, Ben Franklin, the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall, etc. What better way to share our pride than bringing the communities of Northeast Philadelphia and Bucks County together to commemorate the renewal of those talking action windows.

I have been given the green light by Neshaminy Mall's management to look into the cost of this project. But there may be one other snag. Macy's, the current owner of those windows, may not be interested in restoring the them. So, I have created an online petition to present to Macy's and Neshaminy Mall's management to demonstrate how much community interest there is in the restoration of the display. Please click here to sign the petition. 

Boston. Monday, April 15th, 2013

What's on my mind? Hmmm. Today, that's easy. A lot of my fellow human beings; Bostonians, just striving to be better, whose lives were suddenly ended or sent spiraling out of control by forces of a few subhumans with no regard for life. And most of the victims will go on to deal with this devastation anonymously, because, lets face it - everyone is more interested in the people who did it than the people who will forever be affected by this heinous event. My hope is that they find the culprit, deal with them swiftly and bring them to justice. Then, not give them any more press. Because that's exactly what they want. The best way to honor the victims is to go on with your life with no fear. No Fear.
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Reprinted from my Facebook Status

The First Obama-Romney Prez Debate

MY TWO CENTS

After the debate tonight, I received this email - "If you happened to catch the debate tonight, I'm curious to what you thought and who you thought came across stronger and more confident in the debate.

Don't be partisan on the answer." 

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And I Replied:

As you know, I am a registered Democrat and fully intend to vote for Barack Obama. However, I think that Mitt Romney did a great job tonight, and had I not known some of the facts behind the rhetoric, would probably even be inclined to consider voting for him after tonight's debate.

However, my main concern is the bigger picture. Mitt is a member of a party that has spawned far-right religious zealots, the bigoted Tea Party; and it is this threat of those people occupying seats in the House and Senate that concerns me the most. The president is only one man, and despite the intentions of either one of them, the system of checks and balances that are in place, will (or at least SHOULD) prevent any president from becoming dictator. 

Also, Romney supports the Super PACs which allow billions of dollars in campaign donations from anyone without disclosing the source, which means anti-semitic, racist neo-cons like the Koch brothers can practically buy the election for whichever candidate they choose. On the other hand, I like what Romney says about keeping the nation's defense strong, and I do believe Mitt is a supporter of Israel. I'm sure a lot of this will be discussed when they debate foreign policy, which I think will expose Mitt's weaker side.

What I like about Obama - although he wasn't as aggressive or as assertive as I would have liked to have seen him (who knows, maybe he smoked a doobie with Michelle to celebrate their anniversary before the debate), he's still the guy who made major, positive changes to health care, helped rescue our auto industry and was Comander-In Chief of the operation that found and killed Osama Bin Laden. Though I wouldn't declare Obama the clear winner of this round, I think he held his own well enough.

So, talking purely about the debate - I would have to give it to Romney.  But there are still two more debates, so l say let's see how they play out.

Was this honest and non-partisan enough for you? I like to think I'm pretty fair-minded about the election.

Hal